Groundbreaking Report: Staring At Women’S Chests Is Good For Your Health

2 min

It turns out that looking at a busty woman’s breasts is actually beneficial for men.

The other day the New York Post posted how “Staring at boobs is just one of six easy ways men can live longer.” You best believe that I clicked on that link with no hesitation.

I couldn’t help but continue reading the year old article, for obvious reasons. Honestly, I can’t really say why they decided to dig out an older article from their archives, but I was hooked. The New York post stated how:

It may seem like an inconvenience or an invasion of privacy to many women, but staring at boobs creates a positive mindset in men.

The same effect occurs when they look at cute animals.

A 2012 study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, looked at the effects positive thinking had on men’s health.

After a year, positive thinking had a powerful effect on health choices.

I’m not science wiz by any stretch of the imagination. I almost flunked the elementary science classes that were mandatory in grade school. Science was always a theoretical notion for me, better left to educated people in long, white coats. I’m a practical guy: as long as my phone reliably turns on, I’m a happy camper.

Needless to say, there’s a strong chance I would have paid more attention in class if the reading material resembled the article above. Do you realize how often I get called out on my unhealthy obsession with ‘certain’ revealing Instagram profiles? One too many times, trust me, but I’m just doing my good deed for the day and prolonging male lives. Jealous criticizers are relentless with their attacks, trying to make me feel bad for my pursuit of optimal health. How dare they. I hope they break a leg, and not in the good way.

My father’s a long-time practicing doctor, but never in a million years would I have imagined myself to be in his shoes and save lives. Save your applause, please. I get overloaded with enough praise as it is, I don’t need any more credit. Don’t worry, I’ll stay the course and continue helping men.